Just sit back

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 20:31:37 GMT

I am deleting this journal tomarrow. If you just love hearing my antics and such feel free to add lustic and I will add you back asap.

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 05:26:34 GMT

I have attempted to update this about 6 times today, and failed. Nothing seem like it was really worth the time. Now, I have no choice. I need to vent, and get things off my chest. It amazes me how you can care so much about someone you have never met. It's overwhelming and strange. It makes you mad, happy, and about to burst in to tears all at once.

Fuck I can't even write no more.

jacked from sav.

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 20:29:20 GMT

01: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"You're anything but old fashion, he is everything but modern. Some how I think you two were meant for eachother."
(It's a book, but it is full of letters Kim and I write back and forth to eachother)

02: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
A lamp

03: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Um, before I took Dillion to school we watched some nicktoons. :D

04: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
3:11

05: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
3:15

06: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
My dad screaming at someone on the phone.

07: When did you last step outside?
Around 20min ago.

08: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
MINE :D

09: What are you wearing?
Black pants, a white collar shirt with these pinstripes, and black boots.

10: Did you dream last night?
Yeah, I had a dream I met someone.

11: When did you last laugh?
On the ride home when Dillion looked over in the car next to ours and seen a little girl and goes, "Dang, that honey is fiiiiiiiine."

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
CD holders, a poster or two, a marilyn monroe calendar, and a belt rack.

13: Seen anything weird lately?
Yes, I watched some war movie where all they did was have sex and cuss, but that is americans for ya!

14: What do you think of this quiz?
so so

15: What is the last film you saw?
View From the Top.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A house for my aunt ninna.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I don't have flat feet like most people, I have a really high arch in my feet. Don't worry it's hotter then looking like ronald mcdonald.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Switch handshakes to kisses!

19: Do you like to dance?
Yes, my mother is a professional dancer, not exotic, and I grew up dancing. In fact, I have took dance classes from the time I was about 3. I use to tap too ;)

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
George Bush is a selfish man who has fucked our economy and killed our people just because he had beef with saddam over his dad. Typical, but I would have rather seen him fight his own battles then send us over there to do it. Or, perhaps if he would have just been honest and said that then I may have a different view on him. It may not be good, but different. Ah, I could go on all day about how much I hate this guy next question please.

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Ava or Lilly.

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Colton or Gatlin. If I get to pick, I always figured I would let his dad pick his name.

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?
Maybe. I doubt I would go anywhere far, but I really do like this country. It has it's faults, but it could be worse.

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:26:13 GMT

My psychotic vengeance is on a killing spree.
My neurotic tendence, is just about to set me free.
I think of little excuses, of how I can get to you.
I conjure up things that are abusive and how I'll be doing them to you

we don't need to touch just breathe

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 19:18:40 GMT

I have neglected this thing so bad! Sorry :D Anyways my Easter is going really shitty. You see every Easter my whole family + the Rector family all goes to the State Park for Easter. We BBQ and do the whole Easter Egg hunt for kick ass prizes because none of us are little anymore and require the expensive material things. Last year some of the prizes included PS2, Speakers for your Car, $500 gift certificate to A&F, and lots more things like that. Although, the hunt is not easy and it takes damn near 5 hours to do. We all usually go in groups. Then after are long day of searching this almost 40 mile park for eggs and beating each other up when we find one we settle back down and grub on all kinds of food before departing our ways to come home to a nice ham. This year seemed to just be all fucking wrong. The park was cancelled due to excessive rain and below cold temps. There is no ham and nobody is home except for Dillion and I. He has been sick, but he did get a xbox this morning and his basket was overstuffed with xbox games and candy which he has involved himself with from the time he woke up. I am going to cook a big dinner tonight and a few people are comming over. Dad and Mom are working and won't be home for a few days along with Sean, but Allen, Kim, and a few other close friends are comming over and we are all pretty much just going to eat and watch movies. I got an Easter present..it was small, but meant alot. A small white note and a key. The note said, "It has took years for me to come to the fact that I can trust you again and know that your choices are safe. I can't always be where you're going to be and I am just going to need to accept that. So here is a key to the door in your room. You can come and go as you like. I can't say I won't be up waiting, but it won't be to scold and argue with you, but just to make sure your ok. I will make sure I am not noticed. I hope you have a good Easter, sorry I can't be there. Love Mom." It has been the best Easter like present I have got in ages. It put a smile on my face nonetheless. Anyways, I hope all of you have a good easter and grub :D

you keep comming back.

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 04:19:12 GMT

I am so sick. I was always that kid who played in a room of sick kids and never got sick. I have never even had any real health problems. I was never allergic to anything and was pretty much a healthy kid. Well, about 2 weeks ago Kim, Nicole, and I all went out to town. I really can't stand Nicole anyways and she had broncitus(sp?) and the stupid bitch kept coughing with her mouth open and I told her if she gave me any of her fucking cooties she was to die. The next day I wake up coughing, sore throat, and the whole nine yards. I finally get rid of it, but my dad then has it. You think you can't get this shit twice, but that is fucking bullshit. I have it again and so does my dad. So, finally today I went to the doctor. He gave me so much meds! He said not only do I have inflamed tonsils but I have an ear infection and allergies! I got this cough syrup, these pills to keep an infection from starting, these allergy pills, inhaler, nose spray, and some other crap. I have took it all twice so far and I still feel like shit. I can't even swallow my own spit without all the pain, my ears are ringing, my nose is stuffed so I look all dumbfuck like with my mouth open to breath. I swear I really fucking hate this shit and already called and screamed (or tried to) at Nicole and told her if she is fucking sick then to stay home. Argh!

Now go join my boards! http://lustic.org/board

in to the mystic.

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 00:55:40 GMT

This is my ex boyfriend he was still a good friend of mine. The newspaper has not updated, but his parents did decide to take him off life support and he died almost an hour after they took him off. He was 20 even though the article says they're not sure. My hands are shaking and I feel on the verge of tears. Not only this but today I got a call that Sandy overdosed and died. I have lost count of the number of close friends/ex's/people I know that just died. It's more hard dealing with this then more people think. Sure, you lose friends but I lose them by the month now. There is only so many more that can go. I think this is why I find the internet to be such a safe haven. I know if they die, chances are I won't know. I could tell myself a thousand lies at why they don't come online anymore. Anyways, I think I am going to go try and take a nap to get some of this off my mind. Here is the article.

Young man seriously injured in accidental shooting in Monterey
Mary Jo Denton
Herald-Citizen Staff

A young Cumberland County man was seriously injured yesterday in a shooting incident at the home of a relative in Monterey, law officers said.
Brian Bohannon, believed to be around the age of 20, of Lake Tansi, was shot in the head with an old .22 caliber revolver, according to Monterey Police Chief Bruce Breedlove and Putnam Sheriff's Chief Detective Doug Burgess.

It happened at the Railroad Avenue residence of Bohannon's grandfather, and it was apparently "just an accident from playing with a gun," the detective said.

"It was an old antique-type gun, and the boy's grandfather had showed it to him and the gun was laid down and the boy picked it up," said Chief Breedlove.

Somehow the gun was fired, and the bullet struck the boy "behind the ear," Breedlove said.

The boy was airlifted to Erlanger Hospital in Chattanooga, and was reported to be in critical condition there this morning, he said.

The case is under investigation by the Monterey Police Department, and the Putnam Sheriff's detectives "were just assisting that department," Burgess said.

"The reason for the investigation is to make "certain there was no foul play, and right now, we are not suspecting that," Burgess said.

The boy's older relatives were present when the shooting incident occurred, and "it appears it was just an accident," Burgess said.

The boy was shot once in the side of the head, he said.

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:50:22 GMT

This morning has been crazy. The bad part is this will be my only break today. So, I am sitting here and smoking trying not to worry that my room is still a mess. You see, I was suppose to move out today. Well, all my shit is over there except a few outfits, but actually get in my car and drive over there throwing my house key out along the road somewhere. Needless to say the parentals failed to let me know that everyone from Michigan is comming down this weekend. They mentioned it, but it was still kinda up in the air. Tomarrow night 11 people will be staying here until Monday. Yes, but I am up in the clouds about 1 thing. Seeing as how today is April Fools and my aunt is the queen of jokes and gag gifts I have a feeling they might get here alot earlier then expected. Michigan time they were planning on leaving around noon. Well, that was exactly 43min ago for them. No call. They would have got here around 10 that night..maybe 9. I think they packed up their shit and left way early this morning. To suprise us. Even though nobody is here except me. I come up with this on the drive home. I met Allen for lunch today on his break. No, not that Allen. I had to drive Kim home this morning. She wrecked Sat. so she is still kinda nervous about driving. Which I understand because when I first wrecked I did not drive for months! Actually, the wreck I had involved the same aunt that is comming down today. I was taking my friend to the bus stop that morning and had slept about 2 hours. Went to pull out of the garage doing 90 and ran right fucking over her van that was sitting in the driveway. I passed it as I walked to the truck. Which, preaches why you should not drive when you have not slept. A minor wreck like that froze my driving rights from myself.

Anyways, I should really be getting my ass up to do something right now. Make my room look at leaste half decent. OH! I got my test results back from the doctor, but I really don't want to talk about it. Yes, I will leaving you hanging because I am a bitch like that.

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 03:27:58 GMT

My room is a complete disaster. I would take pictures, but I am just too ashamed. Between moving & cleaning it has some how ended up a disaster. It took me 45min to find my purse earlier. Although, I did and it was under a large pile of clothes. Anyways today I was suppose to go get a new car. Although, you can't trade if the car you got is in someone else's name and they ain't there. Dad and I had forgotten that my car was put in to moms name. Although, we did travel around to look at other cars and I fell in love with the Dodge Neon SRT-4! Oh my! I love that car and I decided I would rather have it then any other car. So, tomarrow mom and I will go down there and trade it off. :D

doctor doctor fix me up doctor doctor suck my nuts

Sun, 28 Mar 2004 18:10:40 GMT

I love how little kids are scared of the doctor. That always amused me with how someone could put on a uniform and become a nightmare. Although, when I was a child I never feared the doctor. In fact I looked forward to the sucker and juice I got. It was not until I got older I started to fear them. Of course, I don't fear a doctor for the same reason a child does. Shots are nothing and I don't honestly see why half of everyone I know makes a huge deal over it. I have far too many piercings in painful spots to say I was terrified of them, but for the past year or so I have had to go to doctors. Lots of them. Doctors on doctors trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me. Monday I get to head over to Vander. in Nashville again. The same place the damn near killed my mother and put me through hell last time. They run test after test after test. Do some blood work and call it a day. Of course 3 days later the doctor will call and say, "We may have found something we are going to study it more and get back to you." Well ladefuckingda. What is wrong with me? Well lots of doctors have made lots of solid predictions. When I was 15 they told me chances are if I did happen to have a kid it would be a miracle, then I got the you won't be able to have kids after your 23, and so on and so on. Of course, now they are telling me that I am fine and will have kids when I am ready. That must explain why I have not had my period right in oh about 2 years. First it was the birth control. Which is completely understandable anyone that has even been on it will know you either won't get your period or it's all fucked up when you do. Although, they took me off mine for almost 7 months. Things should have been back to normal after 3 and they never went back to being normal. I get it about once every 3 months now and personally I don't mind, but if it's risking the fact of me having kids one day then I do mind.
The whole situation is not just based on missed periods. Several times I have suddenly went in to sharp pain in my stomach that I literally pass out due to the extream pain. The upper parts of my legs will get pains in them for no reason at all. I am serious it feels like I have been riding someone for days when they come. Usually they last about 30min and don't happen again for a month. The passing out usually happens once a month..right around the time I should be having my period nonetheless. So, tomarrow I go back for them to tell me that they can't figure out what is wrong. I am really sick of this. We spend good money to get second, third, fourth, fifth opinions and nobody can tell us shit. I am about to just say fuck it and tell them all to go to hell.

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 21:05:48 GMT

Pervert.
Anyways I have a good hour and a half to kill before it's time to get ready. Seeing as how I don't clutter up my personal journal with this shit I might as well do the public one :D

// YOUR ROOM, WAKING UP//
01. What color are your walls? midnight purple
02. What color is your bedspread/sheets? purple
03. What color is your rug? I have a rug?
04. Any posters/bulletin boards/designs in your room? Finch Poster, Random Blacklight poster, Marilyn Monroe Calender, bulletin board with pictures.
05. Do you have a TV? Is it big? Its not huge, but its big.
06. Do you have a phone? yes
07. Do you have your own computer? yes
08. Do you have a desk? yes
09. What are your most treasured belongings in your room? my picture box..and my vacation box.
10. What are your most favorite things in your room? sleep and the computer
11. Do you have any fancy lights in your room? not really I just have recess lighting.
// GETTING READY //
01. What is the first thing you do when you wake up? tinkle
02. Anything unusual? I usually always look at my nails. I am not sure why though.
03. Do you pick out your clothes the night before school? no
04. Do you try your best to look cute for school? I did when I went to school.

// SCHOOL //
01. What color is your backpack? I never carried a back pack..cept when I was little and it was NINJA TURTLES! yes it called for caps :)
02. Do you try your best when it comes to school work? I did.
03. Do you listen or doodle? depended on the class.
04. BE QUIET - we all know you doodle, but what do you doodle? usually the teacher getting murdered..or just making "FUCK YOU" in pretty letters to hold up on the bus window that day.
05. Do you eat your cafeteria food, or go out? I think I only actually went in the cafeteria for detention..I usually would stop and get some apple juice and head out to the courtyard
06. What do you do right when schools over? um depended on if I was taking the bus home or if I was getting a ride with someone

// HOME //
When you come home are you. . .
01. Miserable? Miserable is not the word for it.
02. Happy? Content..maybe.
03. Tired? Not really.
04. LEAVE ME ALONE? na

// OTHER //
01. Do you take walks around your neighborhood sometimes? no
02. What are some hobbies of yours? actually I like to play pool alot.
03. Do you collect anything? nope
04. What do you do in your spare time? Nothing.
05. Are you in love, or at least falling? ah once. :)

// NIGHT TIME //
01. What do you do before you go to bed? oh wow I have like this whole nightly ritual..putting pajamas on, washing my face, brushing my teeth, tinkle..etc
02. Do you kiss your parents/guardians goodnight, or just say "goodnight"? Just goodnight given that they are home.
03. What way do you sleep (ex: on your side, tummy, etc.)? Usually on my side with my knees kinda tucked in to my stomach
04. Do you like your life? I can't say I hate it
Last cigarette: about 30min ago
Last car ride: earlier this morning to take dillion to school
Last kiss: a couple nights ago
Last good cry: a couple days ago
Last library book checked out: A prep book for the ACTs
Last movie seen: American Pie 3 it sucked nuggets.
Last book read: The ACTs prep book.
Last cuss word uttered: damnit
Last beverage drank: sweet tea no lemon
Last food consumed: umm these honey glaze carrots
Last crush: lol wowww I don't think I have had a crush in awhile..maybe this guy that is friends with Kims sisters boyfriend? lol
Last TV show watched: Late Night Sex Show. That old lady cracks me up.
Last time showered: this morning
Last shoes worn: ankle high boots
Last cd played: ummm metallica I think
Last item bought: uh I paid $5 for my prescription
Last downloaded: some radiohead
Last annoyance: people
Last disappointment: um a few days ago
Last soda drank: dr pepper
Last thing written: a check
Last key used: my car key
Last word spoken: cute
Last sleep: last night
Last IM: Brandy
Last sexual fantasy: but there is just so many...
Last weird encounter: when a rock got stuck in the bottom of my shoe and I tried kicking it out..then realized how insane my neighbor was looking at me.
Last ice cream eaten: chocolate chip cookie dough
Last time amused: last night
Last time in love: about a year and a half ago
Last time hugged: this morning
Last time scolded: um..I don't know it has been awhile
Last time resentful: today
Last chair sat in: computer chair
Last lipstick used: gloss
Last underwear worn: these baclk see through thongs with a pink lace around the top
Last bra worn: it matched the underwear
Last shirt worn: this black and white stripe off the shoulder shirt
Last time dancing: last weekend maybe
Last poster looked at: uhmmmmmm I can't remember
Last show attended: battle of the bands at axis
Last web page visited: lj

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Tara
-- Birthplace: Mighigan
-- Current Location: Tennessee
-- Eye Color: green with orange specs
-- Hair Color: red with blonde chunks
-- Height: 5'3"
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: too many to name off
-- The shoes you wore today: we already went through this
-- Your perfect pizza: LOTS of cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms..sometimes
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: ah alot

LAYER THREE:
-- Your thoughts first waking up: what time is it
-- Your best physical feature: my boobs
-- Your bedtime: whenever the fuck I feel like it
-- Your most missed memory: being little running through fields of flowers and friendly bees..um hell I don't fucking know

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds
-- Single or group dates: single
-- Adidas or Nike: FILA BITCHES!
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton tea hold the lemon and extra sugar
-- Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
-- Cappuccino or coffee: both

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: cigarettes
-- Cuss: like a fucking sailor bitch
-- Sing: lalalala
-- Take a shower everyday: yeah usually 2 or 3
-- Have a crush(es): yes tom, dick, and fucking harry get of this question.
-- Do you think you've been in love: yes
-- Want to go to college: maybeeee
-- Like(d) high school: nope
-- Want to get married: yeah
-- Believe in yourself: of course
-- Get motion sickness: only if I read in the car..which I do often while driving the sucka
-- Think you're attractive: oh man too hot too touch
-- Think you're a health freak: no
-- Get along with your parent(s): sometimes
-- Like thunderstorms: yes
-- Play an instrument: yes the drums

LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: yes
-- Smoked a ciggarette: yes
-- Done a drug: yes
-- Had Sex: yes
-- Made Out: yes
-- Gone on a date: no..oh wow this makes me sound like a slut now
-- Gone to the mall: yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
-- Eaten sushi: no
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Gone skating: no
-- Made homemade cookies: no
-- Gone skinny dipping: no
-- Dyed your hair: yes
-- Stolen anything: yes $5 from my mom..but I paid her back!!!

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
-- Been caught "doing something": I have been caught "doing stuff" but I have never been caught "doing something"
-- Been called a tease: yes
-- Gotten beaten up: no
-- Shoplifted: yes
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: young! go ahead take me while im young and my boobs are still perky.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2 girls..and a boy..orrrrr a boy and a girl... ava and alyssa..and the boy im not sure..maybe colton or gatlin
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: small..at night..lots of flowers..lots of friends and family..outside
-- How do you want to die: uhmmmm something that has never happen before..
-- Where you want to go to college: I said i was thinking about it
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: a madam :)
-- What country would you most like to visit: One I can get to by anything except a plane

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl...
-- Best eye color: dark
-- Best hair color: dark
-- Short or long hair: short
-- Height: talllllll..well taller then me
-- Best weight: I don't know. I always end up with scrawny fucks. :( I want a bodybuilder pretty boy to gag on :/
-- Best articles of clothing: clothing? if I get to pick all their features they will not be wearing clothes.

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: a few.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: nobody really.
-- Number of CDs that I own: about 400 maybe?
-- Number of piercings: 7 total
-- Number of tattoos: negative
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: a bunch actually
-- Number of scars on my body: 2
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: not a damn thing.

that was way too long. if you read it kudos to you.

afterglow

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 18:31:42 GMT

It never seems to shock me that those who seem relatively close, close enough to call a good friend, get all two faced on you. I think the most recent one was anything but odious. I expected it from day one and knew it was comming. His meer enigmatical personality was nothing more then a daily perplex for himself. I suppose the online world would cause such a disturbing yet diverting type of personality in hope of one day being eminence to the unrealistic community he shares the commonality with. Of course he is still good coffee talk. It must be Gods will.

Last night was quite the interesting night. My parents and I have this unwritten rule that anytime after 10pm we do not enter eachothers bedrooms. Of course from as long as I can remember my parents always said, "If the door is closed, knock." Being young I had no idea why, but I listened. Later on after I understood what that meant the same rule applied for them. Now it has come to the conclusion don't go in either room unless invited. Even more understandable. My room stood the grounds of my sanctuary for many years and it was the one place I could call my own. Last night changed that rule. I have been pretty bad sick for the past week. It's nothing serious, but my dad has noticed me walking around with my tissue box and staying in my pajamas past noon. Not to mention the great amount of orange gel caps I have been seen swallowing every 4-6 hours depending on when my throat starts hurting again. Although, last night around 3:30am I was laying in bed watching some late night television waiting to get heavy eyes and I hear my door slam open. Seeing as how my parents had been asleep for a good 4 hours I jumped up about to have a heartattack only to see it was my dad in a panic. I thought any second he would scream "FIRE!" and we would all run outside, but that was not the case. Instead he asked, "Tara, are you ok?! Are you hurt?!" I was a bit dumbfounded and assured him I was fine. He said he could have swore he heard me crying for him. Not just yelling for him, crying. I find this even more weird because when I was younger and did get sick no matter who I yelled for my mother always came first. He looked confused for awhile after I explained I had been watching the tube and had not even spoke for an hour or so. Puzzled he went back to bed leaving me laying there wondering what on earth he heard. I wonder if he was dreaming, but then I can't help but think of all the people that have heard a girl talking in my room. Everyone that has stayed the night in my house has heard this girl. She usually talks when I am sleeping and she has been known to scream help, mom, and now dad. It usually follows by my door either opening and or slamming shut. Whoever hears it always freaks out and runs in to see if I am alright, but I am either gone or sleeping. I can't honestly say I know what it is, but my mother being the superstitious type claims to know exactly what it is. Perhaps I should look some of this stuff up.

Thu, 18 Mar 2004 17:27:01 GMT

Everything I was suppose to do today I already did. Leaving me with nothing to do. Although, this morning I was highly pissed because of the fucking ARMY. Yes, the army. Why? Well, seeing as how I live next door pretty much to the Oak Ridge Nuclear Plant when our little radar goes from yellow to orange it tends to get gaurded. Now, i'm not sure what our terror meter says right now and personally I could care less, but since around 7am these oversized helicopters feel the need to fly real low and shake parts of my house. Shake it so bad that a few pictures have actually fell and broke. Not to mention other random items come crashing. Perhaps, if they did not fly in groups the impact would be less, but they feel the need to fly in 3 or more. They have been doing it non-stop. It's 11am and they're still flying over. Of course I know they practice sometimes, but that usually occurs in the summer time and they tend to only fly over a couple times. I have no idea what is going on, but im seriously about to call them and find out if I should take cover or write "fuck you" in toliet paper in my yard. I seriously have not been able to watch tv, listen to music, or talk on the phone due to the amount of noise they make. I think i'm about to send a bird up there they won't be happy with.

I still love to wash in your old bathwater.

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 22:23:27 GMT

I am a hardcore Dr. Pepper fan, but now that I have called myself hardcore i'm now a nerd with a Dr. Pepper fetish. Who would have guessed? Anyways, I realized why I am so fucking flakey. Chemicals that seep through the tiny holes my hair grows out of. Hair chemicals that is. Today I spent between 4-4 and a half hours getting my hair done. Reason? Well, a friend offered to pay for it and my chunks were grown out so in time for something new. So, my hair is now a deep dark red with bright blonde chunks. Yes, bright. My head was literally burning at one point under the dryer. I remember sitting there running the file across my nails, feeling the burn and thinking, "It's just not worth it." It's not, but that will never stop me from killing off brain cells to put pretty new colors in my hair. Yes, after that I went to my tanning salon, The Inferno, and instead of going to the spray tanner I decided to lay in the beds because I was tired and needed a break. The tanning rooms there are a bit scarier then I remember. You are suppose to get the illusion that the room is on fire and you do. I just closed my eyes and dosed off till I heard the BEEP BEEP and the lights come on. I might have been the only person in Crossville to have my window down all the way and the air on. I always am so damn hot after I leave the beds! Damn hot lotions! Yes, then I had a few minor little things to do. Ah, my day was great. The weather was exceptional too. They were calling for rain and snow, but it was sunny all day!

fuck you.

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 13:21:11 GMT

It's 7:04am and I just walked in the door. From where? Taking Kim home. A car ride in nothing but silence. My eyes on the way back were about to bust of tears and I just held them in creating blurry glare in my eyes. Kim and I for the past year have had this on and off friendship due to some stunts she has pulled. Last night she said, "Tara, we need to talk about something now that you and Shane are broke up I think it's safe to say." I sat there on the bed next her and listened. She took a deep breath and said, "Shane and I are together and was together when you two were together." I almost slapped her right there. Why did she think it was "safe to say" that she is still a backstabbing slut? I just told her to get her shit and I would take her home. Although, she insisted to argue with my reason for being pissed. We argued for almost an hour letting everything fall out. Funny thing was Shane called in the middle of all this. I hung up and blocked his number. Just like that.

I am mad at her there is no doubt about it. I don't think I can maintain a friendship with someone like that. I have said it before, but i'm more then serious now. She crossed the line. She was the other woman.

This is why I avoid relationships. I can't deal with the aftermath. I keep saying to myself, "I was not enough for him." Which was true or he would not sleep around. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong each and every time this has happen. Why can't I just be enough for someone? The question runs through my head anytime someone attempts to get close. Needless to say i'm still a wreck and letting all these questions run through my head. I wonder if I will ever just be enough.

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 12:27:19 GMT

I had an entry posted here for about 15mins or so and then thought that nobody gave a rats ass about the news in Crossville..so i'm going to do something that I needed to do and that is write a letter to Brandy. _textlies for those who have not caught on.

Brandy,
HI :D
This is really strange, but flow with it. I was sitting here thinking about THE PAST. I put that in caps because i'm just cool like that. You know that. Despite our recent arguements and hacking we are back getting along. Why? I have no idea there was never no closure about the whole situation at hand, but that is what I like most. Its kinda funny now to be in c-m IRC. Think 4 years ago we was parked in a whole different chat room. Do you remember some of those people? WILL? I have not talk to him in so long, but that is a good thing because we all know about a year ago something happen that only me, you, josh, and jonathan know about. It's going to stay that way. Yeah, that was a different part of my life. I remember your brother more then I remember you back then. Boy, that was interesting. You know what? I still really miss Josh. LIKE REALLY MISS HIM. Like, you still talk to Jonathan, but I have not talk to Josh in a year last september. Can you believe it has been that long? Josh and I was asthma geeks in love. I think it's not so much missing him but the amount of guilt I still carry around. Did you know he once walked 6 miles in the snow to a seven eleven to get a phone card and call me after an arguement? Then think of what I put him through. When Jonathan told me Josh had a date it felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach. I thought it was strange how you and Jonathan broke up the same night Josh and I did. Thats how Jonathan and I became so close there for awhile. Yahoo Pool and crying together. I'm not sure if Jonathan cried..but he was really really close. I don't think i'm going to say no more. It's a bit too personal. It would take a real friend to get the stories of them days out of me. That was around the days you told me what you told me. The 1 thing you told me never to bring up again, but you let me know what was going on. Its been over a year and I have not spoke of it, but I did not forget and still worry because you won't talk about it or let me know what is going on.
We have too many secrets that we keep from everyone. I don't know how to get rid of my guilt but maybe to email him? I don't know that would be weird. ARGH. Yes, i'm stopping this now :D

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 09:31:57 GMT

I broke up with Shane last night. This morning I was sitting on the balcony in my pjs with my bare feet stretched over the edge when I heard someone open the slider and come out. I turned around and it was Shane. I looked off the edge and wondered how bad I would get hurt if I just made a jump for it. See, this is where I have a problem. When guys come back to interigate me on the break up. He put himself in the chair next to me and there was a long somewhat awkward silence before I asked, "What do you want?" and sipped on my tea as if I was really calm. Even though I was furious that a few mins again I was sucidal and about to jump off a balcony just to get away from him. He went on to tell me that he wanted me back. Well, thats just fucking peachy, but we don't always get what we want do we? No, i'm real glad you want to be with me, but I would have never broke up with you yesterday if I still wanted the same. Then he said something that not only made me want to smother him, but made me almost go in to a sudden shock. He started rambling about how he would take care of our baby. I had to stop him and ask him what the hell he was talking about. Well, his friends cousins best friends brothers girlfriends aunts best friend told him I was. It was a bit amusing at first seeing as how the drama that other people caused in our relationship was the reason I broke up with him. Now this. I just got up and left. I walked right through the house and locked myself in the bathroom and ended up actually falling asleep waiting for him to leave the other side of the door. I woke up around 1 or so and got up to find he was gone. Later on today I have got quite a few phone calls CONGRADULATING me on the baby. WHAT BABY? WHY in the hell would you congradulate a 16 year old with a baby ANYWAYS? I hate this fucking town and all the gossip in it.

Gyno oh Gyno

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 05:20:59 GMT

This stuff is by far the most amazing bath scrub I have ever used. Ladies know that there is more then enough products out there to keep us confused in the aisle. So, today I bought some of this and tried it. Amazing. I got the Sandalwood & Chamomile and the smell is just pure fucking pleasure.
Today was a rather interesting day. When I do doctors appointments I usually put them for the day I have off. Well, I had 2 today because a month ago I assumed I would still be working. So, what doctors tended to me today? Well, I had exams at the MAIN BASE. Yes, that is not small office that is the place where they take you when you get in a car wreck or have a heartattack. Can you guess? It starts with an H. Yeah, well I went there so they could do an ultrasound AGAIN. I have had about 7 of them. I almost could not hold my pee today. Of course, anyone who has ever had an ultrasound or went with someone knows that you need to FILL your blatter up beyond what it can hold. So, I usually stop at the store before I got and get one of those extra large dasani waters. I drink it all till i'm about the burst and then they force me to hold it another hour while they rub warm paste all over my lower stomach and press on it. There has to be a better way. Of course, they did not see anything, but she said they would call me around Friday after the doctor checks. Yes, because the nurse can't look at the screen and see if anything is wrong. They made me where the H. clothes too. Those fucks I hate that place. The pants were 18+ sizes too big for me. Like 1 size fits every 400 pound man. When I got up from the table to go to the bathroom I was literally holding my pants up in the font and back. If you can't tell my day has started out as shit. So, now i'm about to leave to go to nobody other then Dr. Brown. Your local Gyno! I really hate this man and I would switch in a heartbeat, but my insurance only covers him. Of course, I could drive to Nashville to have some guy ram metal objects inside of me, but the thought of driving 3+ hours in traffic just to have that done seems like a waste when I can get them done here. So, I go over and sign in and am waiting flipping through magazines and my cell phone rings. Right about the time it does i'm reading the, "No Cell Phones Inside" poster plastered in front of me. The receptionest gave me this horrible glare and I just shut it off and glared back. Finally my name was called and I went down the "hall of peace." Yes, they call it that because it's filled with soothing smells of vagina and playing waterfall music that makes you want to pee on your doctor! They don't have doors either. They have curtains. So, the nurse leads me in the room and I change into their weird ass gowns and for the first time I did not have socks on, because let me explain how weird it is. There is like a hidden rule that you are suppose to wear socks, but be naked everywhere else. Whenever i'm naked I don't wear socks and its rather awkward for me to be naked with my legs spread and propped with socks on. Although, today I was completely naked and I was not as confortable as I thought I should be. I just kept thinking who all has had their feet where mine is. Finally Dr. Brown comes in. I had to witness a clown like figure staring at me grinning while he rammed random objects inside of. He wears a bow tie and buttons his shirt up all the way and his head always looks like its on the verge of exploding. I just laid and starred and the ceiling. It had clouds painted on it and I could have went to sleep, but that just would have been uncalled for. Finally we were done and I left feeling violated in more then one way by a large fat man. I deserved a reward for being put through that so I went shopping and spent more money then I had. Thus where the Sandalwood & Chamomile body scrub comes in. It was only about $5, but I should be saving my money. I came home and took a nice long nap. Today is Kims 18 birthday and she is home alone with nobody and saying that almost makes me smile. Happy Birthday Slut.

old flames with new names.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 07:18:21 GMT

The subject cleary states what the majority of this is going to be about. Thats right, old flame with a new name. Yes, right now i'm currently taken my a man named Shane, but nevertheless I ran into an old flame today. While running through the grocery store is desprite attempt to find something to whip up for dinner I turned around quick and almost knocked someone over with my basket. I gasped and apoligized before I looked up at their face. While gathering up stuff off the floor that had fell out during the crash I heard someone say, "Wow, your sorry? When the hell did you get so nice?" I looked up and there stood Chase. We small talked for a little bit and he now goes by his first name, Kendon. No, it's not pronnounced like that. Its Ken-Den not Ken-Don. After talking a bit he asked me for my new number and I gave it to him. I felt somewhat guilty after I done so, but needless to say I was a bit giddy about when he would call. Right now, i'm with Shane and he is engaged to some girl. Him and I had our pupply love in the young years of junior high. In fact we dated all 3 years. I broke up with him over cold hearted reasons and we did not speak for almost a year. Then when I lost my hardship license he often gave me a ride home because we live real real close to eachother. Then he started comming over to my house randomly and we started going places together..NOT DATES just hanging out. Then when I got homeschooled we lost touch. Our rides home were as good as a telephone. I always had a thing for him, but when you enter high school things change. You meet new people and end up on two sided cliques where you can't speak to the other. Of course he was a loner quiet type and I was everything but that. I heard that he was engaged sometime after I graduated, but I still had a thing for him.

I suppose what I did is wrong on more then one level, but no matter how hard I try i'm not happy with Shane. The sex, the drugs, the whole damn lifestyle. We are two different people and us being together has caused more drama then a 10 year old getting knocked up. He is leaving for New York soon to record his record. I'm suppose to go, but I have plans to end it before that.

my lips are sealed.

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 04:58:29 GMT

Today was interesting. Filled up with alot of random things. I got up, got a cup of tea, and came to sit down and small talk with randoms on the net and catch up on friends posts. Soon after I got up and took a shower. Man, I love that I got to design my bathroom, but my rock floor is about to cause me to fall and whipe out. After that I picked up around the house and went into town to meet Sandy for lunch. Her and I have not talk since before she had her baby so it was good. After that I dropped her off and went to pick Shane up from work. He was really quiet which made me instantly think he was high. The only time he ever said something was to yell at me when we nearly wrecked. He yelled at me for speeding. I'm sorry I forgot that I passed my drivers test and know how to drive. He did the "passenger break" about 18 times. Then he said, "You know what I would feel alot safer with you driving an automatic." I laughed a bit and told him he was full of shit. He was the one that would throw a damn hissy fit because I put cruise control on and put one foot under me. You're only suppose to drive with one foot and I was fine. He wanted to go get his nipples pierced so I drove him over there. While we was waiting I got a henna tattoo on my lower back. I don't know why people think those things hurt so bad. Anyways, after I was done we went back to get his nipples done. He made me hold his hand! Ha, I was trying not to laugh. Although, he did not seem to phased by the piercing. We sat back there for a long time talking to Tom. He really did not know Shane, but him and I go back.

That was pretty much the day. I have come to a conlusion though. Everyone cares about hits. Don't lie. If you own a domain you are damn worried about how many hits you're getting. Yes, people are always trying to say, "Oh well I know I only get 5 hits a day I don't care about hits though." BULLSHIT. If you did not care you would not even know how many you get a day. Yes, i'm moody. Deal with it :D

Oh I almost forgot to mention. I finally suckered up and bought another digi cam. So, expect trendy photo posts starting..tomarrow. Maybe. I still have not coughed up enough money to buy a new webcam. Yes, so bare with me i'm getting to be a lazy fuck.

razer tongue licks the cotton sheet.

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 04:29:46 GMT

Kill the bunnies. Yes, kill the damn bunnies. Too many of them like to run out in front of my car. Everyone that rides with me freaks out when I hit the bunny that jumped out in front of my car, but i'm not going to wreck my car for something that reproduces by the second. He did it to himself. He waiting till I got right up on him to leap out in front of my tire. I'm expected to wreck my car over this? No, I don't think so.

Speaking of bunnies i'm starting to wonder if Taco Bell thinks I am one. Have you noticed how much lettuce they put on their tacos? I spend half the time picking most of it off. If I wanted lettuce I would have ordered, but I want a taco. That means there needs to be meat, cheese, and sour cream on it. Taco Bells sign fell today. Or part of it. Right there while I was parking and gathering up my purse and stuff I seen it. It fell a good distance from my car, but it still fell. A whole group of people came out to stare at it like it was a piece of a spaceship that just fell from the sky. Even from the restaurant and bank next door. I just sat in my car and waited for everyone to settle down.

My aunt is sick so I might fly to Michigan to see her for a bit because I know she won't make it. Yes, I will fly. It would be my first flight ever, but I am not taking my car that has been unfaithful to me on a 9 hour drive. Although, I was talking to Shane about it and he said he would drive us up there. I'm just not sure if I want some guy I have been dating a few months to meet all of my family. Although, it would be nice to drive up their in an SUV rather then a small ass car, or take my chances on a planes. I'm deathly afraid of planes. Nothing that weighs that much and can hold people that weigh nearly as much is not safe just up in the air like that. For some reason i'm not as scared of a helicopter. Perhaps, because it seems more realistic to be a machine in the air like that. Most don't hold no more then 10 people if i'm correct and they all need headphones and mics to communicate over the noise. That just seems a bit more realistic then being all comfortable, sleeping, going to the bathroom, or even walking on an airplane.